I’ve been celebrating Thanksgiving the last couple of years here by ranking wrestlers & other things I’m thankful for. It’s been a good time, but we run into a problem here in 2020: I do this every month with the Fave Five. That considered, it would be a bit redundant to do the usual thing here to celebrate Thanksgiving.

So let’s go a different route.

Instead of ranking people I’m thankful for, I’m going a different direction. On Thanksgiving, we’re not just thankful for what we have. We’re also thankful for things we don’t have. If you haven’t gotten the coronavirus, you’re thankful. Or, you might be thankful for not having something anymore. If you’ve successfully exited a toxic relationship, you’re thankful.

So this Thanksgiving, we’re ranking the top 5 wrestlers I’m thankful I don’t have to watch anymore. I’m staying away from dead people, because it would sound like I’m thankful they’re dead, and 99.9% of the time, that isn’t true. coughMoolahcough Also trying to keep things on-screen and non-political, as that opens another can of worms. I don’t know any of these people personally, so they might all be swell folks I would get along with. As long as I don’t have to watch them wrestle.

Here we go….

5. The Great Khali

I kind of feel bad for this one. Jeff Small is one of my favorite people from back in the 411 2000s era. He always loved him some Great Khali for some reason. Maybe it was Khali’s eyes, or luxurious hair. We all have our guilty pleasures.

Me, I just saw a big ol’ dude that couldn’t wrestle or talk. If he could have done one of those things, I probably would have put up with him some more. We got “treated” to a world championship reign, the debut of the Punjabi Prison Match, and all sorts of things I’ve tried to wipe out of my memory. There were a couple of high points, like the Khali Kiss Cam, which was at least amusing. I also liked when Khali randomly reappeared after a three year absence to help Jinder Mahal beat Randy Orton in the aformentioned Punjabi Prison. He would have been fine as an enforcer for Mahal, but it was a one time only deal.

Which was probably for the best. Hopefully Khali’s happy doing whatever he’s doing now, he seemed like a decent fella.

4. Matt Morgan

At least with Khali, nobody acted like the guy was anything other than what he was: a big, scary looking stiff that couldn’t do much of anything in the ring. The thing that annoyed me most about Matt Morgan was everybody telling me how much potential he had. Jim Cornette was a big supporter, and this was back before he saw Kenny Omega wrestle a blowup doll and lost his damn mind, so I thought he might have some insight.

Then Morgan got chance after chance and never got over. Not once. Never had a match north of **1/2. Never cut a promo that showcased any kind of untapped charisma. He was just a big dude that looked big. He could do some athletic things, but he usually did them for no reason, in situations that looked pretty unbelievable.

Morgan never connected with me, or most other people for that matter.

3. James Ellsworth

I’ll admit it, the whole Ellsworth thing was kind of cute for a minute there. His random debut and run with AJ Styles & Dean Ambrose was different. The partnership with Carmella was kinda fun. He was a decent enough character. Unfortunately, the guy brought little to nothing in the ring. Wasn’t the worst ever, but he stuck out like a sore thumb on SmackDown.

At the time, NXT was actually considered developmental. You’d watch a show, and everybody on it was a better worker or character than James Ellsworth. Seemed pretty silly to me. Even putting social media behavior aside, there was no real reason to have the guy on a main show. No idea where he’s gone, not really looking for him.

2. The Boogey Man

Not only was this guy the drizzling poops in the ring, he had one of the most disgusting gimmicks I’ve ever seen. Dude ate worms! Who is that supposed to appeal to? I don’t care if they were actual worms or not, it’s gross.

Then you had him creeping on Jillian Hall & Queen Sharmell. And he was the good guy! We’re supposed to cheer that? I don’t think it’s too far fetched to say that the Boogey Man character was everything wrong about wrestling. I’m sure the dude is a cool cat outside of it. This was just a presentation that had zero appeal to anybody with any kind of taste & standards. Sometimes he pops up randomly, and it’s nice he’s getting paid, but I don’t know who’s nostalgic for this specific brand of nonsense.

1. Hulk Hogan

I know that the Hulkster was the most popular wrestler of the 1980s, brother. I even gave respect to his Hollywood Hogan run where he finally leaned into everything people hated about him, brother. The thing y’all need to realize, or maybe you don’t if you’ve been paying attention to my 30th Anniversary Celebration, is that I never had the same connection to the Hulkster as some other folks in my age bracket. When I became a fan, he wasn’t wrestling regularly on TV. To be honest, that was part of why Bret Hart won me over as a youngster. He was the first WWF Champion to work regularly on Superstars or other shows I saw on a frequent basis. I saw him as a fighting champion. Hulk Hogan? Barely ever saw him.

Honestly, I saw him the most in WCW, which wasn’t probably his best light. I liked WCW until the Hulkster came in and brought all of his friends that I was already tired of. I liked WCW because it was different from WWF, then they had all these WWF guys that I was tired of come on board. Then he did the NWO thing, which was fine, but had a shelf life. The problem is that the Hulkamaniacs didn’t realize that. In 2002, these idiots in Toronto & Montreal egged Hulk & WWE on to give the Hulkster a main event push that most people didn’t want to see. I credit that with driving away whatever casual fans the Invasion hadn’t already driven away.

Then when he went to TNA, dumbass folks would suggest that TNA put a belt on the Hulkster. Wut da hail. So stupid. I’m thankful he’s too old to wrestle, and thankful that his racism put a good dent in his fanbase. We need less old bastards trying to grab the spotlight.

Happy Thanksgiving, brother!